btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
