i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
