Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
