my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
