I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
