then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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