So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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