To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
being pregnant is like rehab
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
