Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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