Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
