those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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