I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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