I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
foreskin is a definite game changer
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
