if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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