the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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