I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
