"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
