It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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