Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
