I accidentally had phone sex last night
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
