i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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