I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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