I think I won the penis lottery.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
