If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
