I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
