My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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