Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize