I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
