Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize