Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
