I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
two words: eviction party
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Randomize
