Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
