By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
