A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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