a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
