dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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