why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
