im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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