Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
