Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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