I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize