He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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