How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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