WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
