Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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