I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I fill condoms, not promises.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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