Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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