What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
