Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
