I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
im six kinds of drunk right now
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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