Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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