At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
