i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
