Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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