whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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