My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
NoShamevember. You game?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
