I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
