My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
